tell your sister to shave her snatch
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize