First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
