im six kinds of drunk right now
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
