my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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