a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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