I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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