I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
