Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
