dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
