if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
