I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
