I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
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I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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