she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
