i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
