is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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