im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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