She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
