the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
