he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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