I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
