so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
