I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
