Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
wow bdsm is so cute
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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