I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
