That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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