We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.