one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw