he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
