ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
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Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
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I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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