Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
