They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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