im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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