Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
