Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
