just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!