i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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