Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
