If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
There's always time for handjobs
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
