Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We left the knife in your bed.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
