I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
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My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
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He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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