I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
