Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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