the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
