I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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