I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Also, beer. Big fan.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
