your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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