Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins