last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"