Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
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He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
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Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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