I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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