There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
