either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
