Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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