I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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