In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
