Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
